Tag: #hope

What’s in a word?

Do you have a WORD? I have a word. It’s a word that I can hang on to when times are troubling as well use when times are filled with optimism.

My word is HOPE – no, nothing earth shattering but it means something to me. Hope has carried me through a lot of very challenging years. I have quotes with the word around my desk at work, I have it hiding here and there around the house. I don’t have a tattoo of it…but yes, we will have a tattoo blog someday in the future.

I wish I could remember how I developed this into my “word.” It’s not a safe word for me (I don’t think I have one of those – maybe I should.) but I can feel calm when I can just BE with the word, not the randomness that people talk about hope.

Below are a few pictures of something very special I bought a few years ago. I was on my way to my therapist’s office and had arrived in town pretty early. I really didn’t know what to do with myself, but I did know that I had to pee!!! (After giving birth to four children that is a constant occurence). Anyway, the town where my therapist is at is pretty rural and there is not much to see or do so I ended up at a Pilot gas station/truck stop/gift shop and everything in between. After using the restroom I wandered around the little gift area and there it was….My HOPE!! It’s a decor item made of glass and mirrors; the colors change depending on how the light is hitting it. Along the center, it reads, “Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.” Perfect!! I fell in love and it didn’t matter the cost. Being a truck stop I don’t think I paid more than $20 and the cashier wrapped it so carefully and bagged it up.

I arrived at my therapist’s office and decided to bring it in. I never do anything like that. He and I have talked and talked and talked about so much over the years, but I never bring anything to show him (well, wait there was a time I showed him some artwork I had created during a rather dark night). After we talked a bit I unwrapped my treasure to share. He knows how much the word Hope means to me and pleasantly admired my gift that I had bought for myself. We both did laugh at how I could find something so special in a rather “podunk” town.

I encourage you to find a word, or a phrase or a quote to OWN in your mind and in your heart. While I have lots of quotes that I find dear, for me, a word is easier to remember. I know I will be hanging on tight to my words as I work through these weeks of recovery and rehabilitation. I am not 100% certain that I will become pain free, but I do…Hope…

Share with me your word, if you would like.

Take Care

Jenny

Borderline, the Chameleon, and Perception

Borderline Personality Disorder is a condition which affects approximately 1.6% all the way up to 5.9% of the population (see NAMI). A person with BPD is characterized by difficulties regulating emotion. This means that people who experience BPD feel emotions intensely and for extended periods of time, and it is harder for them to return to a stable baseline after an emotionally triggering event.

This difficulty can lead to impulsivity, poor self-image, stormy relationships and intense emotional responses to stressors. Struggling with self-regulation can also result in dangerous behaviors such as self-harm (e.g. cutting). (see NAMI)

BPD is very difficult to treat, let alone live with. I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder over 10 years ago (I am now 51), though I know that many of the traits were brewing in the background before I had a terrible turn of life with my mental health in my late 30s, early 40s. I am happy to say that with a lot of hard work and therapy I now am managing my BPD (along with bipolar). For those of you still struggling, know that there is help and there is hope.

For today, I want to write about the Chameleon Effect , BPD and my perception of life at the moment.

Mirroring, or the Chameleon Effect is a challenging aspect of BPD and you may not really be aware it is happening. Your changing colors to adapt to the situation or person may feel natural, but indeed, trying to learn to have your OWN place in YOUR world is so important to positive mental health. In an excellent article by Sarah Myles, she describes this phenomenon:

One of the biggest and most challenging aspects of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is often ‘The Chameleon Effect’ – or ‘mirroring’. This is the constant, unconscious change in the person’s ‘self’, as they struggle to fit in with their environment, or the people around them. It is, essentially, a fluctuating identity. It is the manifestation of a basic inability or difficulty in establishing a stable sense of self.

The presence of The Chameleon is often one of the main obstacles to effective initial treatment and diagnosis of BPD, as it affects the interaction between patient and doctor, and can mask the disorder itself. It also effects and masks the way in which BPD intersects with other disorders that may have developed in connection with it – creating a complex web of behaviours that can be hard to untangle. The irony is that, without diagnosis and treatment, most are unaware of The Chameleon, and it is only through awareness that The Chameleon can be managed.

Have I lived as a chameleon in my life? You bet you!!! I remember having a good coworker and friend when I was young that before I knew it I wanted to dress similar to her and like similar things; I had a boy friend that smoked, and lived a life I many not typically want to live, when sure enough I picked up his lifestyle; I had a husband that I began to mirror more and more in my life including feelings about where we lived, things we did, thoughts on people and their outlooks that was somewhat degrading; I have been friends with a man for almost 8 years (previously romantic, now just friends) who absolutely cannot stand this area, and so lo an behold my view of where I live got worse and worse. These are just a few examples of the mirroring that I know have happened with me….my list could go on and on.

Is this anyone’s fault? Of course not!! And someone with BPD doesn’t just mirror negative, or positive, sometimes mirroring can have a positive effect. What’s going on within us can’t be helped, until we learn to NOTICE! I actually didn’t even understand this symptom fully until the past couple of years. Looking back I saw how my chameleon was ever-present.

Now, I am single woman, my kids are either grown or pretty self-sufficient so I am having more and more time to BE. I went for a drive today with my son (I’m not totally independent yet due to my surgeries so I do need my awesome chauffeur). I was telling my son how much I really do

: My son…he is not a fan of pictures!

enjoy where we live. He was a bit confused since he says I have always hated it…but no…I don’t hate it. There is a beauty to where I live, the people I run into are kind, I am so close to the mountains that I hope to be able to walk the trails again. For this moment, my 3 kids live in the same town as I do, and my oldest daughter lives in a larger city less than an hour away that is up and coming, bustling with new life and I would even like to move there at some point. So yes, I am finding my own perceptions of my life, where I live and what I do – for me. I know that chameleon is always around and may come for a visit. And like I said, is it a bad visit? Not necessarily as long as we can NOTICE what we are feeling and if wer are content with our likes and dislikes…for the moment.

Jenny

Rapid Cycling: doesn’t get you in shape!!

Have you heard of rapid cycling ? I would like to say when Ihear that term that I think of people in their “spinning classes” or the lovely lady on the new commercial that rides her indoor bike right at home (Peloton, isn’t it?). Unfortunately for those of us who live with mental illness, Bipolar in particular, rapid cycling is a demon that lays low in our brain until is sneaks out to say a not so pleasant “hello.”

I thought I would share with you a portion of an article from the DBSAlliance. This organization is quite renowned in the research of Depression and Bipolar. Their articles are interesting and easy to read and you will be able to empower yourself with knowledge which is so important in managing your illness.

Click on this link for the complete article:

What is rapid cycling?

Rapid cycling is defined as four or more manic, hypomanic, or depressive episodes in any 12-month period. With rapid cycling, mood swings can quickly go from low to high and back again, and occur over periods of a few days and sometimes even hours. The person feels like he or she is on a roller coaster, with mood and energy changes that are out-of control and disabling. In some individuals, rapid cycling is characterized by severe irritability, anger, impulsivity, and uncontrollable outbursts. While the term “rapid cycling” may make it sound as if the episodes occur in regular cycles, episodes actually often follow a random pattern. Some patients with rapid cycling appear to experience true manic, mild manic, or depressive episodes that last only for a day. If there are four mood episodes within a month, it is called ultra-rapid cycling, and when several mood switches occur within a day, on several days during one week, it is called ultra-ultra-rapid, or ultradian cycling. Typically, however, someone who experiences such short mood swings has longer episodes as well. Some individuals experience rapid cycling at the beginning of their illness, but for the majority, rapid cycling begins gradually. Most individuals with bipolar disorder, in fact, experience shorter and more frequent episodes over time if their illness is not adequately treated. For most people, rapid cycling is a temporary occurrence. They may experience rapid cycling for a time, then return to a pattern of longer, less frequent episodes, or, in the best case, return to a stabilized mood with the help of treatment. A small number of individuals continue in a rapid cycling pattern indefinitely.

Yes, I can relate!!!

In the early years of my illness, I learned that I suffered from ultradian cycling. If I ever look back at my mood charts I used to keep I could see how erratic my moods were in any given day, even any given hour. My brain was sooooooo incredibly all over the place and I wished I could shake myself out of it (there were times I would literally hit my head with my hand trying to “come to”). The more I learned about rapid cycling, the less severe my episodes were. I know medication and therapy helped as well.

So why am I writing about this today? Well, I realize that I think I may be going through a dose of rapid cycling….not the fast highs and lows as before, but definitely something is up. For one, I can’t focus on ANYTHING!!!! I have started puzzles and stitchery and books and tv shows and on and on…. I am happy one morning when I wake up and just pissed off by night-time. I just can’t…I don’t know….stay level! Can anyone feel this way? Of course!! It’s not something that only people with bipolar have, it is just much more pronounced and common with this mental illness. Also, I know that part of my up and down has to do with my physical heath and lack of mobility. I am not living my life as I normally do which can definitely make things a bit wonky. I can just “feel that feel” like the old days but you know what????

I NOTICED IT!!! As soon as I realized what has been going on in my mind besides my physical health, I started to feel a little better. Does the rapid cycling immediately stop? Of course not, but I can work towards feeling better. I have to remember that this cycle WILL go away. I always think of how ocean waves hit the beach and then retreat, that my moods and cycles are similar. I have to be gentle with myself – that’s a tough one for me. I need to continue taking my medication as prescribed. I also know that if I feel I need to, I will visit or call my therapist. I will be ok, I know I will…this is is mild if I think back to past years . I am thankful that I am so much healthier now.

Do you suffer from rapid cycling? How do you work through these spells? I would love to know your ideas

Jenny

Life Always Offers You a Second Chance..

Day three offers me the chance to write about quotes. I love quotes. I really do. There are some that make me feel like I am understood, others that have made me feel less alone, and quotes that I love to share with others so they can take a peek into who I am. Yes, I am one of those people that have a “quote signature” with my email and it’s fun to change it up from time to time. Right now on my personal email the quote it:

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment. -Buddha

And then for my work email, it reads:

“How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.”– Anne Frank

I remember being a little girl and my parents had a giant book of “Bartlett’s Quotations.” I would have a little notebook and write down words that I thought were special or beautiful. I guess this quote love has always been a thing for me!

I do have a favorite quote. It has had a special meaning to me for so many years. I remember one night during my darkest days I came across it. The words were like a beacon of light, a spot of hope.

I must have been in the very perfect spot in my brain function to accept these words and grab on to them and hold them. Living through the tumultuous moods of Bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder can be very challenging. But words can click. They can make you unclick as well and so understanding your inner self as you react to words is very important. It takes practice to understand your reactions, but if and when you can, and the words and feelings click. Hang on to that – if only for a moment.

I offer these words to all of us who are having a tough time. Holidays can sometimes make things harder for people. Be gentle with yourself. And if everything feels bleak, remember that you always have a new day to hang in there for.

Jenny

A wonderful resource for famous quotations – from Amazon

Yes, I think it will be.

No, I am not smoking the marijuana while singing Bob Marley (though I do LOVE the song)! I woke up this morning and realized that there is hope around the corner of this recovery. I am only 4 days after my second surgery and 16 days out from the actual hip replacement. Considering this, I am happy that I feel the pain lessening and the hope growing. I know there will still be bad days ahead, but for now, for this moment, I feel a bit better.

Have you had to go through a lengthy illness or surgery recovery? It can be difficult to see the forest for the trees. Your body gets sucked into the pain which can affect your mental health at the same time. It’s common for depression to set in and hope to be dismal. People tell you to feel positive, but you know what? We feel how we feel. Our thoughts are our thoughts and if they are negative at times, it’s ok. Try to practice recognizing even small positives in the day, digging within your mind and heart to see a small spot of happiness…..or hope.

While I spend so much time resting, I think about what makes me happy during the day; texting my daughters, talking to my mom, enjoying a piece of chocolate, or seeing one more thing that I can do for myself that I couldn’t do yesterday. Recognizing those bits of positives during the day help me move forward, and I hope it can help you as well. Remember you may have that one step (or five) backwards after making two steps forward, but it’s ok. Keep moving forward.

And in honor of Bob Marley’s song of hope, here you go:

Jenny

A bit of wall decor for your room of rest (from Amazon)

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