Tag: #mindfulness

Coffee brings sadness?

I’m sitting in Starbucks doing some work for my job. Since I have been recovering from two surgeries, I have been telecommuting quite often which I must say is rather nice!! I work from home most of the time and am now going into the office part time as well. It’s nice to see all of my coworkers, but the typical stress and chaos is ever present. Since I cannot climb the stairs, I am sitting at a sort of a desk downstairs. Not bad, just different. Anyway, I am here at Starbucks (what am I drinking, you ask? Grande black iced tea, extra ice and one pump of sweetener, $2.85!) and trying to focus on my laptop and my reports to complete, but it’s challenging.

Two older gentleman sat down right near me and I have been listening to them talk. The one man is talking about taking a job and how he needs to make money somehow because Social Security won’t pay all his bills. What a scary thought that someday I could very well be in that position. I try not to think about it, but at 51, those days seem closer than not. One of the gentleman then started talking to his friend about how his wife has been diagnosed with a pulmonary problem and it is fatal! She has less than a year to live and is only 66! Goodness, how sad and what an odd feeling to sit and hear this man’s story without him even knowing. As the background jazz music plays I hear the lives of these two men and it makes me sad….for them and for me. Why me? I suppose when I hear people talk about their spouses it makes me sad. I don’t have a spouse and haven’t for almost 13 years. Sure I dated but the last five years I rather gave up. For now anyway. I do wish I had a spouse when I hear people talk (ahhh but that is for another blog). I then think of this man losing his wife soon, I am so sad for him and grateful I am not in the position he is in.

I know I have to get up and walk away. Hearing other people’s pain can be so hard for me. Mental illness or not, it is easy to wrap myself up into other people’s grief. I want to take it away from that person, but I know I can’t. And, I have to remember that it can bring me down. I know that I am a very empathetic person which can have its disadvantages at times, for me anyway. The internal pain I can feel when I hear of other’s pain can be quite damning to my heart. It has taken me many years to sort out what is healthy and what is not healthy for me to be witness to. At least I can sort it out most of the time.

It is now later in the day and I did get up and leave. I knew that the gentlemen’s conversation had moved onto other topics – the weather, the news, the aches and pains of arthritis – I felt not as sad as I left. I decided to take my car through the car wash and it made me laugh as I sat there noticing all of the foam and bubbles and “washer snakes” pummeling my car; I felt like I was cleansing my brain at the same time as my car. I was taking a mindful moment in the car wash and I didn’t know it until it happened!

When you are in a situation where there is a lot pain and grief of others around you, take a moment and gauge how YOU are feeling. Is your heart beating faster, are you wanting to cry, are you feeling just out of sorts and you don’t know why? Maybe it’s time for break from your current surroundings, even if only for a moment. And who knows, maybe you will find your own mindful car wash!!!

Take Care

Jenny

Photo credits:

unsplash-logomadison bilsborough

unsplash-logoWiebrig Krakau

unsplash-logoBambi Corro

A Beautiful Pic

I just wanted to share this beautiful photograph I found today. For those of you who blog, Unsplash is a great way to share photos on your page without worry of copyright and you also can feature the photographers to help them build their media footprtint.

It’s always good to have something beautiful in your life everyday – be it a photograph, music, art or any other kind of Peace.

Enjoy!

Take Care

Jenny

Photo Credit:
unsplash-logoAnnie Spratt

unsplash-logoAles Krivec

When the moment sucks!!

One of the hardest things to live with in life and even more so when we struggle with mental illness is the Moment….living with the Moment with the moment plain and simple sucks!! I try and be mindful of something within that moment, try to talk myself through that moment, or just try and let the waves of “yuck” go by. I am not having much luck right now.

I know some of you go through these exact same feelings. I wish you could help me right now!!

So what’s going on? Well, I have Restless Leg Syndrome. I get so frustrated when I hear people say , “Oh I do too, my leg shakes or sometimes it’s hard to sleep….” Well, I am sorry for you, but you know what? I have RLS Like almost nobody does. I have read medical journals only to find out that I have most severe form which affects, my toes my legs, my hips, my torso, my shoulders, my neck , my fingers. UGH!!!!! I have had this since I was a little girl and usually medication keeps it somewhat calm….except when it doesn’t. I can barely type right now because of the massive amount of discomfort…not too much pain…just this horrible uncontrollable need to stretch and move and stretch some more.

I’m sorry to complain…are we allowed to do that on blogs? I’m really not sure.

So along with the disgusting RLS tonight I am still dealing with this hip replacement recovery. I know I am doing better, but I am discouraged because I have a really painful muscle (piriformis) that is causing me to not be able to walk very well. I feel no better than before all of this surgery nightmare. I feel like I am going to have this damn cane forever and I just want to give up.

That’s where I think those of us with mental illness struggle soooo much harder to stay positive than other people with more a more typical response pattern. Everyone is trying to boost me up and I just don’t want to hear it. Is that rude? I hope not, but it is what IS in my mind. It’s easy to fall into a pit and I think that is what everyone is afraid of. I just need to understand where my mind is in regards to my healing for ME. I need to understand how important it is to continue doing the excercises and I need to maintain HOPE that I will continue to improve so I can walk again without a walker. I have to do this within ME. This is hard work as many of you know, but an important part of my healing to come from within rather than counting on what others may say. Accepting what is going on for our own selves in our own lives is critical.

3075321-MSKRNBBY-7 — Christos Tsimaris; Painting, “self- acceptance”

How might you feel about what I have written? What kind of struggles have you had to deal with “in the moment” when the moment seems rather awful? Have you read about Dialectical Behavior Therapy? Today’s frustrations would an ideal practice under Radical Acceptance – and yes, my most challenging part of therapy. I would’nt even let my therapist use those words for years!!!! I would get so angry!! Haha, little by little he inched his way there so I so understand the theory or Radical Acceptance, even though often it still irritates me!! But a lot of DBT really IS about living in the moment. Maybe I will share with you more about the DBT therapy in a future blog.

Thanks for reading- it helped to get this awfulness out of mind and on to paper. I actually feel a bit calmer.

Take Care

Jenny

feature Photo by Mike Alonzo on Unsplash

black and white image Photo by Robert Collins on Unsplash

Twinkle, twinkle little mindful star.

I am pretty sure we have all done this – taken a moment to look up to the sky on a clear night and look at the stars. Did you know that this activity is a great tool for practicing mindlfulness? It is also a great tool to settle your mind when you may be overly stressed.

I haven’t been out side much since my recent surgery. It’s wintertime so I don’t miss it a lot, but when I do go outside I realize how awesome the fresh air can be.; it smells so good and the sun on my skin is like a tonic. Last night I was off to the store when I just decided to sit in my swing outside and enjoy the sky. I couldn’t believe how many stars I could see. Thousands and thousands as far as the eye could see. There was a very small moon which made the stars pop out even more. I am very fortunate to live in a part of the country where I see stars – a LOT of them!! Even when my daughter visits from a nearby city she comments about the sky at night. Beautiful is an understatement.

As I sat on the swing, I started to NOTICE. First thing I realized is how cold it was. Not like it has been in the east this winter, but cold enough for me to be a tad bit uncomfortable, yet still enjoyed the feeling on my face of brisk air with a slight breeze. I noticed the sky, boy did I notice the sky. The vastness made me feel so little, contemplating one star realizing that it was a sun so incredibly far away. I searched out a few constellations that I recognize, but don’t quite know by name (except for the big dipper, of course), and I mused about whether there was anyone looking down on me. I sometimes hunt down satellites that I see buzzing across the sky, but not this time… I was getting a bit to chilly.

While I only sat outside for a few minutes, it was a fantastic practice in mindfulness. It is wild how I can feel my mind calm, how my body relaxes and for that moment, I am beyond content.

Do you practice mindfulness or are you new to learning about it? It is not as hard as you may think. It doesn’t have to be about meditation, it is basically a sense of “being in the moment.” On the next clear night, go outside and look up. Find a star or a design of stars that you enjoy looking at and think of nothing else beyond those stars, beyond that beautiful sky. The fact that you are going outside will readjust your brain to a better place, and then take a moment with the stars. Try not to force anything in your mind. Just BE.

Let me know if you practice mindfulness. Share your thoughts with me, I would love it!

Jenny

Do you hear what I hear??

So I am sitting here at my computer (well a laptop that my work brought me), and realized that it doesn’t have MS Office on it. I started the download and oh my goodness I saw that this was going to take a long time!!!

Rather then jumping up and doing chores around the house (well, let’s be honest I can’t even jump or do much right now, but I did take down my Christmas decor), I decided to do an exercise in mindfulness. I used my sense of hearing and decided to work towards blocking out everything else except what I could hear. I did have to pause a couple of times to write out what I was hearing so I could share it with you, but as the time passed I focused more and more on my practice in mindfulness.

I took time to NOTICE:

1. Little bubbles popping in soda can like little tiny fairies dancing inside.

2. The long sigh of my dog, as if he finally fell deep into sleep.

3. A car driving by – a bit too fast – more annoying than reminding me of anything special.

4. The tap tap on my keyboard as I write this so I don’t forget when I share you. For some reason I enjoy the sounds of a “clicky” keyboard; especially when I am typing with very quickly.

5.The computer makes a soft whirring sound, keeping technology doing what it’s supposed to do.

6. A small creak in the house followed by another and then another….it sounds like the house is trying to rest and cannot get comfortable. I know how that feels.

I come back later to write this and I realized as I engaged in this lesson my breathing became deeper and slower; my busy brain slowed down to just the task at hand….it was quite wonderful the calm I felt:

7.The crack of my shoulder – nothing painful, just a shoulder reminding me that yes, I am 51 years old.

8. A dog barking way off in the distance; I wonder what he is hearing?

9. A jetliner overhead – funny how loud it sounds when one is being mindful of only sounds.

As I opened my eyes and began to bring the rest of my senses back to my Self, I noticed again, that I felt calmer and with introspection. I looked at the computer and saw that my program was still installing, so here I am , writing my experience to share with you. I hope you all can take a time to practice Being within one sense (sight, hearing taste, touch, smell). Try to let that one sense be in charge and let the others slip away, if only for a moment. Notice how you feel. You may be surprised at the calming effect this practice can be.

Share with your mindfulness skill or questions. Let’s practice and share our ideas.

Jenny

BEWARE! Blogging and Self Esteem

Hello lovely readers! So I had great intentions when I started writing this blog page. I wanted to offer my knowledge and support and maybe make a buck or two along the way. Granted, I have only been writing for a short time, but those of us with self-esteem issues and if your are just starting to create your blog page:

BEWARE!!!

Writing is a great outlet for me and I believe it can be for anyone. I used to write emails to my therapist; long drawn out details of my life and where I was at and what was going on. We had an agreement that he would not answer my email, but he would read them and we could discuss them at any appointment. Some people might find that cold of him, but I believe it was how he needed to set his boundaries and I have always respected that. Even in the latest hours of the night and darkest moments of my writing, I knew he would read my words, digest them and be prepared to talk about them. And that was enough for me.

Blogging is similar in the fact that I think someone is “out there” reading my words and taking something away from them. The problem is those damn analytical stats that are available to you 24/7. Do you know what I am talking about? No matter what platform you use for blogging (WordPress, which I use, Blogger, Reddit, etc), they all have a page where you can review your readership numbers. Which blogs have been read, how many people have visited your site, on and on. If you are a data person, it’s quite interesting. If you struggle with self-worth or positive self-esteem, this page can be a bit harrowing to look at.

Here is a look at a portion of my current analytics page:

Have you ever been on a diet and you start obsessing about the scale? You check the scale at least once a day, if not more. It can be depressing to watch the scale go up and you are sooooo happy when it goes down. And when it goes up you beat yourself up because of that last bowl of ice cream you ate or some yummy donut. It can be an emotional rollercoaster. For some of us at least.

I have noticed a similar feeling with watching the analytics page on my blog. I feel great when I see more readers and feel rather a failure when there is hardly anyone looking at the page. I decide that I want to give up and figure nobody wants to hear what I have to say. It is a vicious game being played in my brain. I know I just need to “STOP” and look at the reasons why I am really writing this blog and determine if it’s ok that my readership is small. Am I enjoying the process of writing, creating, finding photos to post and more? The answer is yes! I do enjoy this whole blogging process. It gives me a focus and gives me pleasure. I just have to throw away that damn “scale!”

So if you are new to blogging or have been around for while, try not to look at the analytics page. At least not so often. Those of us struggling with self esteem or mental illness need whatever help we can give ourselves to stay on track.

So WRITE, CREATE, ENJOY what you are doing. Ultimately, it’s for your own benefit and feel good about what you are doing. At least for this moment.

Jenny

Let’s Make Sense of this Together

Today’s challenge is fantastic teaching tool to talk about mindfulness, or living in the moment. As I began my years of therapy for treatment and management of Bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), I learned about mindfulness. I had heard the term before and thought it had only to do with meditation and never really gave it much thought. While mindfulness IS a tool in mediation, it is also a great tool to use when your mind is going all over the place, when you are stressed, when you are upset or when you just want to take a few minutes out of your day to “chill.” Have you ever heard of Dialectical Behavior Therapy? This is a tremendously helpful therapy for those who have BPD. Let me know if you would like some reference material or websites to learn more about it.

The challenge question today asks about my senses. I take that as examining each sense, in the moment and describe it. This is a mindfulness skill. My first time working with all my senses in a practice was when I was in the hospital many years ago for psychiatric reasons. The instructor gave us each an orange and we used all 5 of our senses to appreciate the orange. It’s amazing how your mind settles down and refocuses when you are in the moment and aware of each of your senses.

So this is a little different. I examind my 5 senses today and took each one and looked at it. For that moment.

Touch

This is my cat Molly. She is about 5 years old and so sweet. Except if the grandkids try to pet her!! I love when she sits on my bed and I can pet her. Her soft fluffy fur feels amazing. And the silly cat is so much friendlier when she is hungry so I had a great time petting her this morning. Now she has been fed and I cannot figure out where she is!!

Sight

I love candles, especially in the winter. The little flickering flame brings Peace to my mind so quickly. Today as I was looking at the flame, I had memories of camping and watching the campfire. And today those memories didn’t make me sad. For that, I am thankful. I think I would like flickering candles all over my room at night!

Sound

This was the hardest sense for me. I think becaue we are pounded with so many sounds every day and to try and take one sound and sort it out can be difficult. Here is a picture of my youngest grandson. His little face is so darn cute and looking ready for a cry. While I haven’t heard this sound today, I can totally hear it inmy mind. It’s the sound of a newborn crying. There is something about that sound that just melts my heart and wants me to hold that baby and comfort him. I realize that most of the time they want to eat so I cannot help, but that cry, even when I hear it in a grocery store, or out and about, just makes my mind focus on that little being. I forget anything and everything that may be bothering my mind and want to care for the infant. I think I would be a great “baby holder.” You know, one of those grandparent-ly types who just hold babies in hospitals. That would be heaven

Smell

This is a picture of the most amazing smell. I discovered this Aveda product years and years ago. It is an organic oil filled with lavender, rosemary, bergamot and other flowers. I don’t know how other people use it, but when I am having a hard time sleeping, I put 3 or 4 drops in my hand and inhale the smell and rub it on my face. I swear I can fall asleep so fast after that! Mmmmmmm definitely a mindful aroma.

Taste

Last but not least is taste. Coffee is the taste for the morning. Well, most every morning! I absulutely love my Keurig and I make one cup of coffee each day that tastes sooooooo good. A little bit of milk and a little bit of vanilla creamer and heat it up in microwave till it is hot hot hot. My kids think I burn my tastebuds off, but I do it that I can enjoy the tasty cup and keep it warm longer. Do I have a favorite kind of coffee? I think my recent favorite is Good Bean. They just recently started making pods and the coffee tastes rich and flavorful.

So there you have it, My five senses examined for today. For the moment. Try this exercise yourself. Escape for a time and take an item, such as an orange, and spend 10 going through each sense to be mindful of the experience. Or look for something in your day that uses a specific sense, and FEEL the moment.

Jenny

Check out these affiliate links below: Love them all!!

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Life Always Offers You a Second Chance..

Day three offers me the chance to write about quotes. I love quotes. I really do. There are some that make me feel like I am understood, others that have made me feel less alone, and quotes that I love to share with others so they can take a peek into who I am. Yes, I am one of those people that have a “quote signature” with my email and it’s fun to change it up from time to time. Right now on my personal email the quote it:

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment. -Buddha

And then for my work email, it reads:

“How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.”– Anne Frank

I remember being a little girl and my parents had a giant book of “Bartlett’s Quotations.” I would have a little notebook and write down words that I thought were special or beautiful. I guess this quote love has always been a thing for me!

I do have a favorite quote. It has had a special meaning to me for so many years. I remember one night during my darkest days I came across it. The words were like a beacon of light, a spot of hope.

I must have been in the very perfect spot in my brain function to accept these words and grab on to them and hold them. Living through the tumultuous moods of Bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder can be very challenging. But words can click. They can make you unclick as well and so understanding your inner self as you react to words is very important. It takes practice to understand your reactions, but if and when you can, and the words and feelings click. Hang on to that – if only for a moment.

I offer these words to all of us who are having a tough time. Holidays can sometimes make things harder for people. Be gentle with yourself. And if everything feels bleak, remember that you always have a new day to hang in there for.

Jenny

A wonderful resource for famous quotations – from Amazon

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