I am again taking a bit of a change from the 30 day challenge, especially since it is New Year’s eve. This time of year always seems to be about organization and goal planning and getting rid of the old and bringing in the new. I remember as a teenager making lists on my goals for the upcoming year only to realize that I never stuck to them. So I stopped doing that. I realized that the way my brain and life work are not as structured as sticking to lists. I would rather have general ideas for goals and not let myself down if I don’t achieve them.
On this New Year’s Eve I am thinking about the future and how things may evolve over time. Since I am laid up and not able to do much of anything physical, my mind has time to mull things over. That can be a positive, but also has it’s negatives. So here are some of my thoughts as I ponder life in the next year:
- I am happy with where my mental health is at. I don’t always have good days (who doesn’t have a bad day at times!), but overall I am at a place that I am managing my mental illnesses (Bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder) very successfully. I even consider the fact that I don’t fall into the criteria for BPD like I used to. I take a combination of medications that works right for me and I use the tools I have learned over the years to manage my stress better, my self-injury urges and overall daily living. HOORAY!!!!!
- My physical health is still uncertain. My hip replacement gone wrong is starting to heal after the second surgery. I would love to say my goal is to hike and bike and walk and walk some more, but honestly I am not convinced yet. My physical therapist is being positive but even she is unsure how my healing will go because I had such an unusual situation. So, for now I will continue my exercises, push myself a little more when I feel up to it and hope that the coming year gives me healing and comfort from this pain.
- I would like to make some kind of goals for my future. Hahaha, I know I just said I didn’t make goals, but I don’t know, I am trying to figure out SOMETHING! I am 51 years old and don’t really have a direction in life. I have a decent job. My youngest child is almost 17 so he won’t me home for many more years, I love being a grandma but I also know my kids have their own lives and I am not part of that on a daily basis. I am single which may play a bigger role than I realize in my feeling a bit lost in my future mind. I don’t know, I guess I don’t know what I am supposed to Do or Be at this juncture in life and moving forward. Do you have a way to goal set for a 50+ single woman? Would love your comments and ideas.
- Writing this blog is making me happy. I know I have only been writing for a few weeks, but I really do enjoy it. I am hoping as I move forward with it I can write about mental health and offer ideas and thoughts and insight into my own struggles and achievements with mental illness. I know it helps reading or hearing about someone who has “lived it.” I would like to give back because others have helped me so much over the years.
Other than what I have mentioned I don’t have any big goals or dreams for the year. Yes, a clean closet and a garage sale and general organization in the house would be great, but I am not holding myself accountable if that doesn’t get done.
Tell me about your plans for 2018, or your non-plans!!! To all of my readers I wish you a happy and healthy 2018. I know there will be tough times during the year, but I encourage you to seek out people who you enjoy, silence and Peace that is essential and to be gentle with yourself.
Good Morning! Don’t worry, I have not given up on the 30 day challenge. Day 7 is posting later today. I guess I just wanted to share with you my quiet morning and how nice it is. I made my coffee and am perusing the internet to see what’s new. Since writing this blog is very new to me (and you), I am working at building a presence on various social media sites such as Instagram, Twitter and Facebook. I don’t exactly know if I am going about this correctly, but at least I am giving it a go. It seems so many people have blogs about successfully writing blogs and then they charge money for their program. I get that they are trying to make a buck like the rest of us, but I wish there was one tried and true way to be successful at this. Patience, I think is a key ingredient. And believing mySelf that I can make this a success. It can be very difficult to believe in ourselves, but again it’s a key ingredient to feeling successful.
So I am off to see my therapist today. Gosh, it has been at least 6 weeks since I have seen him. I remember back in the years when my Bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) were so severe that I was seeing him twice a week. I am thankful that I have been able to continue this therapeutic relationship with him over the years. I know it has been a huge factor in my healing. At this point I probably don’t really “need” to see him, but I just can’t totally let go, and nor do I have to, which is great. It’s nice to check in with him and talk about whatever, sometimes nothing stressful, just what comes to mind. I have that security that he is available by phone if I need to talk (though anymore that rarely happens) and for our 6 week check-in. It’s a bit of comfort and reassurance that keeps me on track.
I best be getting ready. Ever since I had this hip surgery misadventure it takes me quite a long time to get ready. But I do take moments during the day to NOTICE that my physical body is starting to heal. Very slow, but very gradual.
How is your day?
Ok, I am on a roll, it’s Day 2!! This challenge question asks for 20 facts about me. I will try not to ramble (too much) and be interesting at the same time.
- If you have read a little bit of my previous blogs you know I am a single woman, 51 years old and mom to 4 wonderful young adult children and 3 beautiful grandbabies. My role as a mother is one that I am most proud of.
- I live with serious mental illness conditions (Bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder). I do pat myself on the back with how far I have come in my management of Bipolar and my recovery journey of BPD (YES!!!! You CAN recover from BPD, it takes time but it’s possible. I don’t find that I fit in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual – DSM V criteria as strongly as I used to. Hooray!!!) Sometimes I think this blog may make its way to the niche of mental health, but I’m not sure.
- I love my pets! I have a fat orange and white cat named Molly, a buff and white Cocker Spaniel named Toby and a Chocolate Lab mix named Cooper. They are awesome and are great therapy in my physical healing.
- Speaking of physical healing I had a hip replacement 3 ½ weeks ago that was not successful (Check out my blog Hip Replacement Gone Wrong! for more details) I had a second surgery and now in the healing mode. Frustrated that I can’t do anything without my walker, but also, I am trying trying to be patient.
- I love Winnie the Pooh!!! I mean I don’t have him plastered all over my house but he has a very special meaning to me. During my very rough mental health years, I remember a night when my youngest son, he was maybe 6 at the time, came into my room with his Pooh bear. He handed it to me and said, “Mama, I think you need him more than me right now.” So to this day, 10 years later I have that same Pooh sleeping with me. He has traveled to hospitals and also vacations with me. Unbeknownst to me, my oldest daughter made sure he was in my bag my for my first psychiatric hospitalization. I have never forgotten how much that meant to me. Yes, Winnie the Pooh is my buddy.
- I have started countless craft projects over the years and never can find one that I stick to: quilting, scrapbooking, cardmaking, needlework on and on and on. I guess that’s why Michael’s Craft stores are so popular, I am not the only one!
- My favorite season is fall. I am sure that’s a question later in the challenge of 30 questions, so I will leave it at that for now.
- Chocolate or Vanilla? Hahaha I like vanilla ice cream soooooo much more than chocolate. But I like chocolate cake better than vanilla! Hmmm , funny!
- I like to garden. You wouldn’t know it at all by looking at my yard of weeds, but I really do enjoy planting a few flowers here and there and some tomatoes in the summer. My physical limitations over the past few years has made it hard to keep up with gardening. I work for a non-profit organization that has a lovely garden center which I managed for 4 years. For now going and visiting all of the beauty in the nursery will have to suffice.
- If I could be anywhere right at this very moment I would be on the Northern California coast. That is my “inner refuge” that I can picture when days are tougher than others. I can’t really visit very easily anymore, but it’s where I love and have spent many many days vacationing over my lifetime.
- I love a good steak!! Sorry to my vegetarian and vegan readers!! If I think of a sumptuous meal, it is prime rib, baked potato, broccoli and garlic bread. Yum! Oh I forgot the glass of red wine!
- I am ever so slightly addicted to the internet. Well maybe a bit more than ever so slightly! I love to learn, learn, learn and look at what’s going on or watch a vlog or scan my Facebook , Instagram, Twitter , and Pinterest pages. I guess that’s ok right now since I am kind of stuck unable to walk. But yes, I do spend a lot of time surfing.
- Diet Coke with Lime is my life!!!! Lol my daughter just suggested that and yes I do love my ice cold can of DCWL!!! I used to drink like 4 or 5 a day but over the past year-ish I now only drink 1, sometimes 2. So that’s a bit healthier!
- Without naming names, I am not too thrilled with the political landscape of our country right now. Enough said.
- I went to college when I was 18 for a couple of years and never enjoyed it. I went back at 42 years old and completed an Associate’s Degree!! I am proud of that fact being a single mom of 4 and working and school was no easy task, but I did it!
- I love jigsaw puzzles. I remember being a young girl and spending summer breaks working away on puzzles. I love them to this day. My daughter is soooooo good at them. I would go to sleep at night and wake up and she had almost finished what we started!! I think I am feeling well enough to work on one again.
- I don’t think I snore!! I know, that’s a goofy one. But honestly, when you are single do you even know if you snore? I suppose it doesn’t really matter anyway.
- Unfortunately, I am a part of the #MeToo movement. Without going into many details, I was sexually abused by a family member from ages 11-13. AS I have later learned about my Borderline Personality Diagnosis, there is a strong link to abuse as a child and the diagnosis. It’s sad, sometimes angering, but I am at a point in my life where I can be mindful about the past and not let it get to me. Most of the time. I think it is awesome that women (and men) who have been abused or harassed or assaulted can share their voice to the world.
- I love beautiful things. I know that sounds silly because who doesn’t? I guess what it is for me, is I look at photographs or artwork or gardens and more, and the feeling of the beauty just soaks into my soul and makes me feel so good. Beautiful music does the same thing. It’s not just casual observance of these things, it’s how they physically, mentally and emotionally make me feel.
- And last but not least, making this list was harder than I thought!! I hope you have enjoyed reading and I would love to know about your list. Send me a link to your blog!
51 is fairly young to get a total hip replacement (THR). But alas, that is the predicament I found myself in. After several years of pain and a failed arthroscopic surgery in October 2016 (which caused a massive DVT and PE), I found myself at a new surgeon’s office saying that due to my arthritis and other damage a THR was my best option.
November 29th was the day of my surgery. I awoke in the recovery room to a horrible feeling of my hip being dislocated. Xrays were done, and the surgeon “popped me back into place” and I was sent to a hospital room. The rest of the day was spent with me making still having this disgusting, stomach wrenching feeling of dislocation if I made any moves or god forbid try to stand on that foot. Later the surgeon again xrayed, adjusted me and then put me in this horribly uncomfortable abduction brace and sent me home for 10 days to see if things would get better.
Within 5 days I KNEW this wasn’t right! A hip that is brand new should not slip out of it’s socket at a moment’s notice. I was back to the surgeon and he agreed and scheduled me for surgery the following Monday.
It is now two days after surgery and I am home. I am so grateful that I don’t have to wear the brace. So far I have not dislocated. I am scared because I make certain movements that feel just awful and weird. I hope upon hope that those feelings are as normal as can be. The surgeon replaced my plastic liner with what is called a Constrained Liner. This apparently keeps you from dislocating. My fingers are crossed!
I am in that unlucky 2% that has such a complication. This is taking a great deal of mental stamina to remain positive about the outcome. This was a sidetrip on my life journey that I didn’t need…but it is what it is, right?! I will make it through, however that may look.
By the way. if you have never had a hip replacement, I HIGHLY recommend these two items (besides the usual walker and/or crutches). My recovering life has been made a bit easier because of these “assisted living” items:
These items in this kit give you a lot of independence. The sock gadget is awesome!
While you may not need a commode (or you may!!) this works great to place over your normal toilet seat and is raised and super sturdy and the handles are great!! Much better than just a raised seat.