Tag: #fear

Love to Binge (watch)!

Love to Binge (watch)!

Hello and Happy New Year!! I hope today finds you healthy and filled with Peace. It was a quiet New Year’s for me, though I did hear firecrackers go off around the neighborhood. I am thankful that my dogs don’t suffer from the panic of fireworks. I always feel so sad thinking about dogs that are in this state of fear and they just can’t do anything about it. Even us humans can have a very hard time dealing with certain fears. It takes a lot of mindful thinking to be able to get through moments that we just think are unbearable. And those that have panic attacks….they are horrid. I suffered from them for years and years;  they just happen upon you  when you are least expecting it and you don’t know why. It takes hard work, but you can learn to understand what is going on when you are in such a state of panic and start to calm yourself. So back, to the poor dogs, I wish they could calm themselves in those times of fear.

Here is my Cooper when he was baby…so darn cute I just had to share.

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I rather digressed from my topic at hand. Today I am asked about TV viewing. Do I binge watch shows? Yes, not all of the time, but yes. I grew up in the days of just plain tv – no Netflix or Hulu or Amazon. Besides being able to watch episodes one after another, the absolute best invention in TV history is that pause button!  To be able to pause live TV!! I was astounded when that feature came to pass – AMAZING!! I can pause to talk to someone, I can pause and skip commercials, I can even rewind from my pause to watch something again!!  When I was recently in the hospital the tv didn’t have a pause button. I realized how much I use it and how awesome it really is.

So what am I watching these days?

1.Grey’s Anatomy – my oldest daughter got me on this show a few years ago. She convinced me to give it a try, and I was hooked!! I spent a whole summer binge watching the seasons – gosh were there 11 at the time?  And she and I were both so excited when it came back to television with new seasons that are just as good.  I am (im)patiently waiting for the next season

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2. Downton Abbey – I never could watch it because it was not on live streaming, or so I thought. I just found it last week on Amazon Prime Video for free! I am so happy because being laid up, I really needed a good long show to watch and this is great! I love the show and the costumes are just beautiful as well as the scenery.

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3. MSNBC – this is my go-to news channel to watch when I am not watching local news. I like most of the reporters, but UGH! Can these news channels talk about anything besides politics?  It get’s so very tiring. At least watching my local news and then ABC Nightly News can bring a bit of diversity to the news.  I do enjoy watching Meet The Press with Chuck Todd. Great guests? Great Topics? Interesting Interviews?  Yes that is true, but I mostly watch it because Chuck Todd is so damn cute!!!! Hahahaha, it’s true!

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4. San Francisco 49ers – they have been my team for probably 40 years!!! Oh goodness I feel old!  But I love watching them. A few weeks ago, my Dish programming didn’t have them on (see my blog.Who me? Frustrated?. I guess I wasn’t the only person upset because their games are back on my channels. Oh and is it ok to mention cute again? Our new quarterback, Jimmy Garoppolo makes our losing season a bit more bearable to watch.

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So that’s about all that I have on my TV these days. Do I like to binge watch?  Yes, it has its positives. What about you?  What shows do you enjoy? Do you have certain genres of shows that you like depending on your mood?  Let me know!

Jenny

Fear Grabs Ahold!

Fear Grabs Ahold!

So today’s challenge is to write about my biggest fear. Interesting as I suppose many people have fears that make them stop and become almost immobile: mice (lol I saw one this morning!), spiders, heights, snakes, flying, public speaking,  crowded spaces, enclosed spaces. I could go on and on. It’s rather sad that people have fears that they don’t know how to deal with.

When I read what the blog question for today had to do with fear I immediately knew what I would write about.

My biggest fear is that I turn into the person that I was before. Well,  I have never been a horrid person, but my fear is that I go back to the days where my mental illnesses had taken control of my every breath. I fear that one day I will awaken and my life will have turned upside down in some way and my horrible depression, anxiety, self harm and uncertainty will take the place of how I am living today.  I fear that I will have to be hospitalized again, that I won’t be able to make sense of my life again. I must say it can be a rather crippling fear.

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But it doesn’t have to be.

I have been lucky enough to have found a therapist who I have been seeing for many years. He has been my rock when times were hard, he has been able to “bring me off the ledge” when I didn’t think I could. He has guided me through years of therapy and I can see the huge progress I have made in my mental health over these years. With my hard work and his teaching and encouragement, I continue to understand more and more about who I am and accept myself rather than bash myself. I will never forget what he said about fear (probably more than times than I remember!). “Fear can paralyze you or fear can motivate you.”  And yes, he is right. In the darkest days and weeks and months I could have totally given up. I was so scared of what my brain was doing to me  that I could have frozen in place..until the next dark episode. But I didn’t. I was motivated to get healthier and healthier. And I have succeeded.

So for this moment, my fear remains that my mental illness will grab on and have its way with me – take me back to those years of well, darkness and confusion. I will do my best to not let that happen. Every single day I work at positive mental health. Some days are easier than others.. I know how I DON’T want to feel. I know I believe that I will acknowledge my fear and continually work at ways to accept my feelings, but still be able to make positive steps in the right direction.

In the back of my mind I know that I may have dark or rough or challenging days, or weeks or months. But I have learned so much over the years that I also know I will make it through those times – easier than in the past.

Jenny