Feeling Sorry for Myself?

Feeling Sorry for Myself?

Yes, I do feel sorry for myself sometimes, but not last Sunday.

I am a football fan – NFL specifically. I have been since I was a little girl (wow, I am now 51!!) I remember spending so many Sundays with my mom, watching our favorite San Francisco 49ers, cheering them on and loving all of our cute players…oh, I mean talented players! My love for football has never changed. I spent many years with my now ex-husband watching games week after week and enjoying every win. NFL football has been a tradition in my life…
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Until I fell into a slump.

I slumped after my divorce. I just couldn’t watch the game by myself. I felt sad and sorry for myself because I was allllll alone, nobody to enjoy the game with. I dated here and there which helped those autumn and winter Sundays, but otherwise I never really felt inspired to watch a game alone.

About a year and a half ago, I changed my thinking. I decided that football, yes FOOTBALL should be a  part of my life that I enjoy, no matter who else is around.  I began to watch again; Sundays, Monday nights and Thursday nights (unless I really didn’t care about the teams). And now I REALLY will get into the games!  My kids laugh at how I  cheer so loudly and scream at the terrible plays. And you know what?  I find that I am happy to be myself and to just BE with the game.

Sunday was Superbowl LII (52 – I tell my kids they know how old I am turning by the number of Superbowls there have been!). Did I feel bad that I couldn’t be with my mom and brother, or my daughter and her family? Of course I did. But when 3:00pm rolled around and the first kickoff was made, I was hooked.  What a GAME!!!!!  I wasn’t really a fan of either team, but since the New England Patriots have won so many times, I was a Philadelphia Eagles fan for the day. And boy was I given a gift that so many fans also received. I cheered and booed and also watched all of the commercials. I sung along with Justin Timberlake and felt a bit of nostalgia when they superimposed Prince on the halftime show. All in all a Sunday afternoon and evening well spent and well enjoyed.

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What can I take away from this experience? The fact that it’s important for me to realize that even though I am on my own a lot, it’s so very important to enjoy activities on my own that maybe I used to do with others. And with football, that’s how it is. Of course I enjoy watching with others, but it is perfectly ok, and even great, to enjoy in the moment something that makes me happy – both alone and with others. It’s a constant undertaking to keep my health monitored, mental and otherwise. I am proud of myself when I can make strides such as this…learning what is healthy for me.

I hope you can find your enjoyment…even if you typically spend time with others, enjoy for YOU what you may have thought that you lost.

Take Care

Jenny

Photo Credits:

unsplash-logoRyan Walton

unsplash-logoKeith Johnston

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Yo-yo, and it’s no game

Yo-yo, and it’s no game

Hello All!

I have been having trouble deciding on what to write today. It has been one of those weeks that I am up and down and the yo-yo is not a fun game. Have you ever tried to actually yo-yo? I just realized how easy it is for the yo-yo ball to go down and so much harder to bring it back up again. Interesting analogy about how our brains can work like that little game….easy to feel down and much harder to feel up. Anyway, I am having a tough time on a topic so I checked out a page that has ideas for blog prompts.  82 ideas that are quite interesting and adaptable to blogs.  I decided that writing about the 10 things I am grateful for this week would be a good idea. Sometimes writing those positives can help when a mood is a bit erratic or more on the downside.

So here we go – enjoy and I hope you can find your 10 grateful things for your week. Or if you are struggling, it’s ok if you can only find 1 or two…I’ve been there and its way too easy to be hard on ourselves if we are not feeling particularly grateful, so try to appreciate what comes to mind and maybe next week or next month your list will grow.

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1.For this week and what comes to mind first and foremost is I am grateful for my therapist. I saw him yesterday and the feeling of immediate peace, confidentiality and comfort when I sit down in his office is sooo mind-settling. I have been seeing my therapist for about 8 years (hmm maybe longer, I don’t want to think about that right now). I have Bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder and there were years when I was getting such intensive therapy and psychiatric help that I was seeing him twice a week and the doctor every other week. Someday I will write more about my time in therapy, but for today I will say that I am so grateful that I had an appointment with him  on Friday (it’s been about 5 weeks since we last met) and for having that place that I can share anything and everything that I want and need to.

2. So this morning I have been working on my budget. Recently my child support was cut in half because my 3rd child turned 18. I am figuring out how my youngest son and I will manage with the change in my bank account. I am trying to remain positive and for today I am grateful that I can sit here in my own home, food on the table, bills paid and even a nice front yard to spend time in. I know I will make the best path for my financial future that I can. It’s just finding that path that can be challenging at times.

3. I am forever grateful for my mom. We do not live close to each other, but we talk on the phone all the time and I just love our conversations and laughter. She has been so very supportive of me for my whole life, through thick and thin. I am 12,305% grateful for my relationship with her. I can’t imagine not having my mom in my life.

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4.I am grateful for how flexible my supervisor has been with me during my time of physical healing. She is allowing me to telecommute as well as come into the office when I can. I know in this area that I live there are not many places that would be this accommodating.

5. My 18-year-old son just came in my room to talk. We have had a bit of a yo-yo relationship over the years, but I am so thankful that we still laugh and talk and enjoy a bit of time together. He is moving out of the house in less than two weeks. While I know it is time for him to move (for both of our sakes), I’ll still miss him. Gratefully we will be in the same town so it won’t be toooo hard for me to see him go.

6. This is going to sound ridiculous, but I am grateful for my tv and Dish network. I am a more introverted person and single to boot. It’s nice that I can come home and watch shows that keep me informed (Meet the Press), shows that make me laugh (Ellen), shows that are pure entertainment (Greys Anatomy) and local news to find out the weather!!!!  Silly, but I am grateful!!

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7.I am grateful for my fairly stable mind and mental health. Even when I am having days or weeks such as these, I have learned how to monitor myself and not let that yo-yo hit the ground. My mental illness is still part of who I am. Each and every day it is in my mind, but definitely a bit further back than it used to be. I don’t fear every day that I will have a relapse in my health. So that is very good thing.

8.I don’t want to sound cliché, but I truly am grateful for all of my children, each and every day, each and every week. I mentioned my oldest son; My daughters are 24 and 20, my youngest son is 16. They make me smile, of course they can also make me cry. But without a doubt I am so blessed to have 4 such wonderful kids. They are becoming adults and our relationships are changing as they age into something new and wonderful.

9. Hmmmmm making a list like this can be challenging!!! Should I be grateful for this blog? Well of course!! It continues on and I am enjoying sharing parts of who I am with you and it is a healing experience as well.

Well, look here, I only came up with 9. And you know what? That is ok. I will be ok that this is my list for today, for this moment. I am trying to force myself to find #10 and with that comes frustration and a feeling of being angry at myself. Angry because I “should” easily have a list of ten, but I don’t. So rather than heading down that path, I will pull that string up and be ok. Be satisfied with my list and carry on with my day.  I hope you can be satisfied with your list as well.

Take Care

Jenny

unsplash-logoGlenn Carstens-Peters

Coffee brings sadness?

Coffee brings sadness?

I’m sitting in Starbucks doing some work for my job. Since I have been recovering from two surgeries, I have been telecommuting quite often which I must say is rather nice!! I work from home most of the time and am now going into the office part time as well. It’s nice to see all of my coworkers, but the typical stress and chaos is ever present. Since I cannot climb the stairs, I am sitting at a sort of a desk downstairs. Not bad, just different.  Anyway, I am here at Starbucks (what am I drinking, you ask? Grande black iced tea, extra ice and one pump of sweetener, $2.85!) and trying to focus on my laptop and my reports to complete, but it’s challenging.

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Two older gentleman sat down right near me and I have been listening to them talk. The one man is talking about taking a job and how he needs to make money somehow because Social Security won’t pay all his bills. What a scary thought that someday I could very well be in that position. I try not to think about it, but at 51, those days seem closer than not. One of the gentleman then started talking to his friend about how his wife has been diagnosed with a pulmonary problem and it is fatal! She has less than a year to live and is only 66!  Goodness, how sad and what an odd feeling to sit and hear this man’s story without him even knowing. As the background jazz music plays I hear the lives of these two men and it makes me sad….for them and for me. Why me?  I suppose when I hear people talk about their spouses it makes me sad. I don’t have a spouse and haven’t for almost 13 years. Sure I dated but the last five years I rather gave up. For now anyway. I do wish I had a spouse when I hear people talk (ahhh but that is for another blog).  I then think of this man losing his wife soon, I am so sad for him and grateful I am not in the position he is in.

I know I have to get up and walk away. Hearing other people’s pain can be so hard for me. Mental illness or not, it is easy to wrap myself up into other people’s grief. I want to take it away from that person, but I know I can’t. And, I have to remember that it can bring me down. I know that I am a very empathetic person which can have its disadvantages at times, for me anyway. The internal pain I can feel when I hear of other’s pain can be quite damning to my heart. It has taken me many years to sort out what is healthy and what is not healthy for me to be witness to. At least I can sort it out most of the time.

It is now later in the day and I did get up and leave. I knew that the gentlemen’s conversation had moved onto other topics – the weather, the news, the aches and pains of arthritis – I felt not as sad as I left. I decided to take my car through the car wash and it made me laugh as I sat there noticing all of the foam and bubbles and “washer snakes” pummeling my car; I felt like I was cleansing my brain at the same time as my car. I was taking a mindful moment in the car wash and I didn’t know it until it happened!

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When you are in a situation where there is a lot pain and grief of others around you, take a moment and gauge how YOU are feeling. Is your heart beating faster, are you wanting to cry, are you feeling just out of sorts and you don’t know why?  Maybe it’s time for break from your current surroundings, even if only for a moment. And who knows, maybe you will find your own mindful car wash!!!

Take Care

Jenny

Photo credits:

unsplash-logomadison bilsborough

unsplash-logoWiebrig Krakau

unsplash-logoBambi Corro

Grocery Trip Peek-a-Boo!!

Grocery Trip Peek-a-Boo!!

Hello and Happy Wednesday!!!  I have had a few readers comment that they enjoy seeing my grocery cart, so today I thought it would be a great day to do so. If you are a recent follower to my blog, you will notice that I like to share different topics from time to time, but it is my main goal in this blog to keep my focus related to mental health. I want us to all know that we can live for the moment and learn how to heal and manage our mental illnesses, every day.

And for this moment, let’s talk about groceries!

My grocery shopping definitely has shrunk over the years. From being a single mom of 4 little ones to now it is just 16 year old son and me.  I remember how it used to be hard for me to shop for fewer people, but now I think I have figured it out, though it will be quite strange when someday I shop for just myself.

Today was the first day that I had a little longer list and I didn’t use one of the store scooters. I am slowly but surely healing from  a couple of surgeries and it felt good to be able to get through the store on 2 feet! (Though I was really pooped and in a lot of pain by the time I got done!)

TeaI thought I would show you this pic first. I do enjoy drinking hot tea in the evening when it is cold outside, but I laughed when I got home and looked again at the two I picked. I was about midway through the store in the tea aisle and getting pretty sore…  it looks like I was feeling tired and a bit stressed!  But I really do love both flavors, especially the Honey Vanilla Chamomile; I put a bit of honey in the tea and it tastes so yummy!  Sometimes if I have a big cup of tea, I put one bag of each variety for a perfect combo of Celestial Seasonings.

I bought a pork roast (only $6.75 and 4 lbs) and I wouldl like to make posole. Have you ever cooked posole before or eaten it?  It is Pozole is a hearty Mexican stew traditionally made with pork, hominy and has either a red or green color depending on the chiles used for the soup base and is soooooo good. I found this recipe below that I am going to try. I’ll let you know how it goes. Recipe courtesy of BudgetBytes:

30 MINUTE POSOLE

This quick 30 Minute Posole has intense slow cooked flavor thanks to an enchilada sauce base and leftover pulled pork.

 Total Cost $6.55 recipe / $1.09 serving
 Prep Time 5 minutes
 Cook Time 25 minutes
 Total Time 30 minutes
 Servings  (1.33 cups each)

INGREDIENTS

  • 1 small yellow onion $0.14
  • 2 Tbsp vegetable or canola oil $0.04
  • 2 Tbsp flour $0.02
  • 2 Tbsp mild chili powder* $0.30
  • 3 oz. tomato paste $0.33
  • 1/2 tsp cumin $0.05
  • 1/2 tsp garlic powder $0.05
  • 1/4 tsp cayenne pepper (optional) $0.03
  • 3/4 tsp salt $0.03
  • 2 cups water $0.00
  • 3 cups chicken broth** $0.38
  • 4 oz. can chopped green chiles $0.87
  • 15 oz. can hominy $1.09
  • 1.5 cups shredded pork, chicken, or beef (pre-cooked) $2.04
  • 1 fresh lime $0.33
  • 1/2 bunch fresh cilantro $0.85

INSTRUCTIONS

  1. Finely dice the onion, then add it to a large soup pot along with the canola oil. Sauté the onion in the oil over medium heat for 3-5 minutes, or until it is tender and transparent. Add the flour and chili powder and continue to sauté for two minutes more. The mixture will be fairly dry, so stir continuously to prevent burning.
  2. Add 2 cups water, tomato paste, cumin, garlic powder, cayenne pepper, and salt to the pot. Whisk the ingredients together until the tomato paste is dissolved. Allow the mixture to come to a simmer, at which point it will thicken.
  3. Finally, add the chicken broth, shredded meat, diced chiles, and hominy (drained). Stir to combine and then heat through (about 10 minutes).
  4. Cut the lime into wedges and roughly chop the cilantro. Top each bowl with chopped cilantro and a wedge of lime to squeeze over top.

IMG_2453My son loves these Jennie-O turkey burgers – cooks them right up and slaps them on the buns (I think the dogs got half of burger he couldn’t finish). Bananas are one of my go-to’s every morning and also if I need a bit of a snack. Those peppers looked so tasty at the store and $1.49/each I couldn’t pass up to slice up for snack (and maybe to add some to the posole along with the onions) The Coffeemate vanilla creamer I just can’t give up!!

And why would I need to give up my creamer, you ask? Well, I am trying really hard to take dairy out of my diet (for the moment, anyway). I have read that dairy is a big contributor to inflammation. I have osteoarthritis along with some kind of severe piriformis muscle I can’t get rid of, so I am trying to reduce my dairy intake. I tried removing dairy and gluten a couple of years ago, but I just couldn’t stick with it.

IMG_2451Here is the rest of my shopping. For my dairy free options I have really been enjoying almond milk in my coffee and cereal. As you can see I have a Silk dairy free yogurt that I am going to try. My biggest issue is ice cream. Ohhhh I love ice cream!!!  I have tried almond milk ice cream which is pretty good, but it’s really expensive (hmmm I guess the ice cream already made it into the freezer!! Mint chocolate chip, my favorite.). Cheese is a tough one, so I am just trying to keep it out of the house except what my son uses on his sandwiches. My daughter makes “overnight oatmeal,” for her and her husband, so I will give it a go with the oats, frozen berries and peanut butter powder and yogurt. I love the Private Selection brand from Kroger – their coffee pods (on the right) were $4.00 off this week!!! I think I got a box of 12 for $1.79. It looks like some posole ingredients in the pic and vanilla wafers for my son.  All in all, a good shopping trip.

I hope you enjoy taking a peek into my grocery bags. I think I have mentioned before that it’s interesting how I like to watch vlogs about people’s shopping “hauls,” so I decided to write about mine.  If you have any questions about the products or if you have any thoughts on the whole anti-inflammatory diet, please please let me know.

And again, for those of you that have just started following my blog and this one is a bit different, I guess I want to show that those of us with mental illness can lead very normal days and it feels good when we can see the positives of daily living because we know hard difficult the difficult days can be.

Take Care

Jenny

Featured image: unsplash-logoBrooke Cagle

Eeek!! I have to travel!

Eeek!! I have to travel!

I just found out that I have to travel for work. Not until March, but I just love to get anxious about it welllllll in advance! I am going to a meeting in which I am flying and staying for two nights.  The reservations are all made.

I must say that I am proud of myself for one thing. I found out that there is another coworker going and she told me that she was flying out at 6:00 in the morning to be at  9:00am meeting!!! It is doable, but not for me. And not because of my physical health, but for my mental health. I have to take a bunch of medication at night and I am still so groggy in the morning that the thought of an hour’s drive to the airport (which would mean waking up around 3:00am), checking in, flying, getting a taxi and racing to a meeting sounds basically impossible for me. I discussed with my boss the fact that an early flight would not work for me for health reasons, and she was perfectly fine. She said to book my flight the day before and get a room for an extra night. Success! I do have to say that my boss is somewhat aware of my mental health issues, but I didn’t have to go into any detail, as I shouldn’t have to.  Having to “hide” our mental illness from our employers can be so very difficult and can amplify symptoms, I am thankful that I work somewhere that is understanding.

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Back to my anxiety. I am ok with flying, I actually kind of enjoy it. What gets me is the whole checking in at the airport, the hotel, the meeting…having to interact with people and getting settled.  I have done this before so I know I will be ok, but I just get stuck with nervousness that is well- – anxiety ridden!!!! Probably the worst part is the meeting. I can’t stand “networking” with people, I really can’t handle having to stand around chit chatting with people. Most of the time I try and find a place off to the side where I can go stand up or go for a breather if I need to. I have no idea how many people will be at this 2-day meeting or what to expect so that adds to the stress. The coworker that I am meeting there is so very nice, but I think she has worse anxiety than I do!!!!! I don’t know if that will help me or not!

Alas, I will try to keep it out of my mind. I do have almost 2 months to worry about it!!  Anticipatory Anxiety sucks!!! A brief definition from AnxietyUK helps with understanding this: “Anticipatory anxiety is where a person experiences increased levels of anxiety by thinking about an event or situation in the future. Rather than being a specific disorder in its own right, anticipatory anxiety is a symptom commonly found in a number of anxiety related conditions, such as generalised anxiety.” For a more indepth article with some hints (that I need to remember!), click here.

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How are you with traveling? Is it worse if it’s for work, or maybe personal? Do you have anticipatory anxiety? Would love to hear your thoughts and until March..I wil TRY not to be anxious about this trip!!

Take Care

Jenny

unsplash-logoTom Barrett

unsplash-logoFabian Møller

unsplash-logoMatthew Smith

Mental Health Day? YES!

Mental Health Day? YES!

Have you ever just felt like you can’t (or won’t) get out of bed and go to work?  I think we all have been there. We cannot seem to find any exact ailment, but our brain is just tired….tired of dealing with much of anything. We just want to roll over and go back to sleep. Or we want to get up, have a cup of coffee and just BE with our day because we just cannot BE at work.

Do you know what? It is perfectly ok to take a mental health day

If you had a cold, you might decide to power through your workday. But if you had the flu, you’d likely need to stay home and rest — and no one would call you “weak” for getting the flu. In fact, your co-workers would likely thank you for not coming into the office when you’re sick.

Mental health rarely gets the same respect. Instead, people are told to “get over it” when they’re struggling with anxiety, depression, or similar issues. And when those of us try and “power through” a mental health symptom, it can make us feel worse and can potential cause a mental overload that is not so easy to overcome. But mental health is part of your overall health. If you don’t proactively address it, you won’t be able to perform at your best.

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One thing  PLEASE try and remember – DON’T FEEL GUILTY FOR TAKING A MENTAL HEALTH DAY!!!!!!  Taking a mental health day doesn’t mean you need to curl up in your bed, unless you think that’s what is going to bring you the most self care;  you may want to go outside, take a drive, take your dogs for a walk, even take yourself out to lunch…that’s all ok as well. Whatever you need to do for YOU is what is important. This might be a good day to schedule a day with your therapist. I have done that in the past. I have spent an hour with him and then spent my day taking care of me. Typically I would walk the dogs and then a late afternoon nap. By the next morning I felt ready to go back to work. Usually!

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When was the last time you took a mental health day? Never?  That’s not good. Those of us with mental illnesses have to constantly keep our health a priority. It can be exhausting, but you and I both understand that in order to keep our symptoms to a minimum, we must listen to our innerselves and make sure our brain is running like it should.

Take a mental health day and share with me what you did!!!

Take Care

Jenny

Photo credits:
unsplash-logoANMOL

unsplash-logoAlisa Anton

unsplash-logoKelly Sikkema

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Calling a Suicide Hotline

Calling a Suicide Hotline

Many  of us with mental illness have time in our lives when we feel utterly alone, confused and in the dark depths of our illness. We want to cry our for help, but at the same time we don’t want anyone to know how bad we are really feeling.

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Have you been there?  I know I have many times.

If you have never called a crisis line, I want to share with you what it’s like – from our side and from the side of the person or agency you are talking with.

I have had several times in my life that I have called the Crisis Hotline. For me, I called the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-TALK). There are many crisis lines in this country that are for set up for a variety of topics. At the time of my first call, I didn’t know who to call so the Lifeline was my choice. I remember it was very late at night, my kids were at their father’s house and I was alone in my despair. I was terrified to call because I thought that they would immediately send someone to my house and take me away. I finally felt brave enough (or desperate enough) to make the call. I was on hold for what was only 10 or 15 seconds, but it felt like an eternity. A calm woman’s voice came on the line and just started “talking me down.”  I know I was very wound up and talking 100 miles per hour, but I held on to her voice. I don’t recall what all we talked about. I do know that I took my phone outside as we continued our conversation (a very useful tool when you are in such distress is to go outside, feel that fresh air, if only for a moment). We talked for maybe a half an hour and she and I together made a plan for me to go to sleep and contact my therapist the next day. The woman on the other end of phone truly was my lifeline and guide that night and I was so grateful.

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Of the handful of times that I called in over the years, they were all very positive experiences except for one. On one occasion the woman I was talking to did not jive with what I needed. I remember getting angry with her. I don’t know what it was; was she judging me? Most likely I was judging myself and I projected those feelings on to her. I still feel bad about it all these years laters, but I know that the responders are trained to handle many different situations.

And speaking of that I want to share with you what happens on the responders side when a call comes in. About 4 years ago I decided I wanted to try and volunteer at the call center in my area. I wanted to make a difference and help others like I had been helped. What an absolutely amazing experience. I had over 80 hours of training before I took my first call. I would work a 4 hour shift along with a few others. Our call room was small, about 6 lines, and the center is considered a hub for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (there are several hub cities throughout the country where calls are cycled to). Those first calls I took were a bit scary, but once I got going, I really thought I excelled at working call line, interacting with people in distress and bringing them to a better mental place. I had calls from people who were actively suicidal, to women who were in situations of abuse, to those in crisis of depression, panic or similar. And then you get the oddball calls like someone trying to do their homework and needing information and those who have oversexual tendencies and want to “talk” to the responder.  Very interesting to say the least. I would have like to have volunteered longer, but for me, the drive was an hour each way and with 4 kids and a full time job, I just couldn’t make it work. I hope someday I am able to volunteer again

So what happens when you call 1-800-273-TALK (8255)?  First off there is a short recording that encourages veterans to “push 2” so they can be connected with specially trained veteran responders. Otherwise, you are on a brief hold and your call is going to get cycled to wherever in the country there is the first open line. So most likely, whomever you are talking to will not live anywhere close to you. I had calls from all over the country. The responder has a computer that they are inputting any data they may collect from you (name, sex, diagnoses, immediate issues, etc). This is done partly for data collection reasons (which that data helps in grant applications later as these lines are non-profit), but it is also helpful if a person calls again someday, the responder can bring up some useful information.

The responder has been trained for all types of situations. If a caller is actively suicidal there is an exact protocol that gets followed. If there is some type of active abuse or crime happening, the responder is able to be in contact with local authorities.  Most of the time the responder is there to listen, to offer support, to guide the caller into determining how best they can provide self care, reach out for support, search for resources. If the responder and caller can talk about resources in the callers area, it is very helpful.  The responders use 211.org to locate local resources.

Again, the responder is there to listen – to YOU! It is not a thing to fear and you only tell the responder whatever you want to tell them.  They are not going to force name, address, phone number or anything of the sort from you. This call is your SAFETY NET. And you don’t have to feel actively suicidal to call.  Some states and cities have a general crisis number you can call.

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I urge anyone who is feeling any type of mental distress to call. I know it may be scary at first, but you will find that the person on the other end of the line wants to help you, wants to offer comfort, guidance and resources. I am so grateful that these crisis lines exist. And for all of the volunteers out there that work on the lines, I thank you.

Take Care

Jenny

 

 

Photo Credits:

unsplash-logoJames Sutton

unsplash-logoAaron Mello

unsplash-logoMatthew Brodeur

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