Month: February 2018

Feeling Sorry for Myself?

Yes, I do feel sorry for myself sometimes, but not last Sunday.

I am a football fan – NFL specifically. I have been since I was a little girl (wow, I am now 51!!) I remember spending so many Sundays with my mom, watching our favorite San Francisco 49ers, cheering them on and loving all of our cute players…oh, I mean talented players! My love for football has never changed. I spent many years with my now ex-husband watching games week after week and enjoying every win. NFL football has been a tradition in my life…

Until I fell into a slump.

I slumped after my divorce. I just couldn’t watch the game by myself. I felt sad and sorry for myself because I was allllll alone, nobody to enjoy the game with. I dated here and there which helped those autumn and winter Sundays, but otherwise I never really felt inspired to watch a game alone.

About a year and a half ago, I changed my thinking. I decided that football, yes FOOTBALL should be a part of my life that I enjoy, no matter who else is around. I began to watch again; Sundays, Monday nights and Thursday nights (unless I really didn’t care about the teams). And now I REALLY will get into the games! My kids laugh at how I cheer so loudly and scream at the terrible plays. And you know what? I find that I am happy to be myself and to just BE with the game.

Sunday was Superbowl LII (52 – I tell my kids they know how old I am turning by the number of Superbowls there have been!). Did I feel bad that I couldn’t be with my mom and brother, or my daughter and her family? Of course I did. But when 3:00pm rolled around and the first kickoff was made, I was hooked. What a GAME!!!!! I wasn’t really a fan of either team, but since the New England Patriots have won so many times, I was a Philadelphia Eagles fan for the day. And boy was I given a gift that so many fans also received. I cheered and booed and also watched all of the commercials. I sung along with Justin Timberlake and felt a bit of nostalgia when they superimposed Prince on the halftime show. All in all a Sunday afternoon and evening well spent and well enjoyed.

What can I take away from this experience? The fact that it’s important for me to realize that even though I am on my own a lot, it’s so very important to enjoy activities on my own that maybe I used to do with others. And with football, that’s how it is. Of course I enjoy watching with others, but it is perfectly ok, and even great, to enjoy in the moment something that makes me happy – both alone and with others. It’s a constant undertaking to keep my health monitored, mental and otherwise. I am proud of myself when I can make strides such as this…learning what is healthy for me.

I hope you can find your enjoyment…even if you typically spend time with others, enjoy for YOU what you may have thought that you lost.

Take Care

Jenny

Photo Credits:

unsplash-logoRyan Walton

unsplash-logoKeith Johnston

unsplash-logoAlex

Yo-yo, and it’s no game

Hello All!

I have been having trouble deciding on what to write today. It has been one of those weeks that I am up and down and the yo-yo is not a fun game. Have you ever tried to actually yo-yo? I just realized how easy it is for the yo-yo ball to go down and so much harder to bring it back up again. Interesting analogy about how our brains can work like that little game….easy to feel down and much harder to feel up. Anyway, I am having a tough time on a topic so I checked out a page that has ideas for blog prompts. 82 ideas that are quite interesting and adaptable to blogs. I decided that writing about the 10 things I am grateful for this week would be a good idea. Sometimes writing those positives can help when a mood is a bit erratic or more on the downside.

So here we go – enjoy and I hope you can find your 10 grateful things for your week. Or if you are struggling, it’s ok if you can only find 1 or two…I’ve been there and its way too easy to be hard on ourselves if we are not feeling particularly grateful, so try to appreciate what comes to mind and maybe next week or next month your list will grow.

1.For this week and what comes to mind first and foremost is I am grateful for my therapist. I saw him yesterday and the feeling of immediate peace, confidentiality and comfort when I sit down in his office is sooo mind-settling. I have been seeing my therapist for about 8 years (hmm maybe longer, I don’t want to think about that right now). I have Bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder and there were years when I was getting such intensive therapy and psychiatric help that I was seeing him twice a week and the doctor every other week. Someday I will write more about my time in therapy, but for today I will say that I am so grateful that I had an appointment with him on Friday (it’s been about 5 weeks since we last met) and for having that place that I can share anything and everything that I want and need to.

2. So this morning I have been working on my budget. Recently my child support was cut in half because my 3rd child turned 18. I am figuring out how my youngest son and I will manage with the change in my bank account. I am trying to remain positive and for today I am grateful that I can sit here in my own home, food on the table, bills paid and even a nice front yard to spend time in. I know I will make the best path for my financial future that I can. It’s just finding that path that can be challenging at times.

3. I am forever grateful for my mom. We do not live close to each other, but we talk on the phone all the time and I just love our conversations and laughter. She has been so very supportive of me for my whole life, through thick and thin. I am 12,305% grateful for my relationship with her. I can’t imagine not having my mom in my life.

4.I am grateful for how flexible my supervisor has been with me during my time of physical healing. She is allowing me to telecommute as well as come into the office when I can. I know in this area that I live there are not many places that would be this accommodating.

5. My 18-year-old son just came in my room to talk. We have had a bit of a yo-yo relationship over the years, but I am so thankful that we still laugh and talk and enjoy a bit of time together. He is moving out of the house in less than two weeks. While I know it is time for him to move (for both of our sakes), I’ll still miss him. Gratefully we will be in the same town so it won’t be toooo hard for me to see him go.

6. This is going to sound ridiculous, but I am grateful for my tv and Dish network. I am a more introverted person and single to boot. It’s nice that I can come home and watch shows that keep me informed (Meet the Press), shows that make me laugh (Ellen), shows that are pure entertainment (Greys Anatomy) and local news to find out the weather!!!! Silly, but I am grateful!!

7.I am grateful for my fairly stable mind and mental health. Even when I am having days or weeks such as these, I have learned how to monitor myself and not let that yo-yo hit the ground. My mental illness is still part of who I am. Each and every day it is in my mind, but definitely a bit further back than it used to be. I don’t fear every day that I will have a relapse in my health. So that is very good thing.

8.I don’t want to sound cliché, but I truly am grateful for all of my children, each and every day, each and every week. I mentioned my oldest son; My daughters are 24 and 20, my youngest son is 16. They make me smile, of course they can also make me cry. But without a doubt I am so blessed to have 4 such wonderful kids. They are becoming adults and our relationships are changing as they age into something new and wonderful.

9. Hmmmmm making a list like this can be challenging!!! Should I be grateful for this blog? Well of course!! It continues on and I am enjoying sharing parts of who I am with you and it is a healing experience as well.

Well, look here, I only came up with 9. And you know what? That is ok. I will be ok that this is my list for today, for this moment. I am trying to force myself to find #10 and with that comes frustration and a feeling of being angry at myself. Angry because I “should” easily have a list of ten, but I don’t. So rather than heading down that path, I will pull that string up and be ok. Be satisfied with my list and carry on with my day. I hope you can be satisfied with your list as well.

Take Care

Jenny

unsplash-logoGlenn Carstens-Peters

Coffee brings sadness?

I’m sitting in Starbucks doing some work for my job. Since I have been recovering from two surgeries, I have been telecommuting quite often which I must say is rather nice!! I work from home most of the time and am now going into the office part time as well. It’s nice to see all of my coworkers, but the typical stress and chaos is ever present. Since I cannot climb the stairs, I am sitting at a sort of a desk downstairs. Not bad, just different. Anyway, I am here at Starbucks (what am I drinking, you ask? Grande black iced tea, extra ice and one pump of sweetener, $2.85!) and trying to focus on my laptop and my reports to complete, but it’s challenging.

Two older gentleman sat down right near me and I have been listening to them talk. The one man is talking about taking a job and how he needs to make money somehow because Social Security won’t pay all his bills. What a scary thought that someday I could very well be in that position. I try not to think about it, but at 51, those days seem closer than not. One of the gentleman then started talking to his friend about how his wife has been diagnosed with a pulmonary problem and it is fatal! She has less than a year to live and is only 66! Goodness, how sad and what an odd feeling to sit and hear this man’s story without him even knowing. As the background jazz music plays I hear the lives of these two men and it makes me sad….for them and for me. Why me? I suppose when I hear people talk about their spouses it makes me sad. I don’t have a spouse and haven’t for almost 13 years. Sure I dated but the last five years I rather gave up. For now anyway. I do wish I had a spouse when I hear people talk (ahhh but that is for another blog). I then think of this man losing his wife soon, I am so sad for him and grateful I am not in the position he is in.

I know I have to get up and walk away. Hearing other people’s pain can be so hard for me. Mental illness or not, it is easy to wrap myself up into other people’s grief. I want to take it away from that person, but I know I can’t. And, I have to remember that it can bring me down. I know that I am a very empathetic person which can have its disadvantages at times, for me anyway. The internal pain I can feel when I hear of other’s pain can be quite damning to my heart. It has taken me many years to sort out what is healthy and what is not healthy for me to be witness to. At least I can sort it out most of the time.

It is now later in the day and I did get up and leave. I knew that the gentlemen’s conversation had moved onto other topics – the weather, the news, the aches and pains of arthritis – I felt not as sad as I left. I decided to take my car through the car wash and it made me laugh as I sat there noticing all of the foam and bubbles and “washer snakes” pummeling my car; I felt like I was cleansing my brain at the same time as my car. I was taking a mindful moment in the car wash and I didn’t know it until it happened!

When you are in a situation where there is a lot pain and grief of others around you, take a moment and gauge how YOU are feeling. Is your heart beating faster, are you wanting to cry, are you feeling just out of sorts and you don’t know why? Maybe it’s time for break from your current surroundings, even if only for a moment. And who knows, maybe you will find your own mindful car wash!!!

Take Care

Jenny

Photo credits:

unsplash-logomadison bilsborough

unsplash-logoWiebrig Krakau

unsplash-logoBambi Corro

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