So today’s challenge is to write about my biggest fear. Interesting as I suppose many people have fears that make them stop and become almost immobile: mice (lol I saw one this morning!), spiders, heights, snakes, flying, public speaking, crowded spaces, enclosed spaces. I could go on and on. It’s rather sad that people have fears that they don’t know how to deal with.
When I read what the blog question for today had to do with fear I immediately knew what I would write about.
My biggest fear is that I turn into the person that I was before. Well, I have never been a horrid person, but my fear is that I go back to the days where my mental illnesses had taken control of my every breath. I fear that one day I will awaken and my life will have turned upside down in some way and my horrible depression, anxiety, self harm and uncertainty will take the place of how I am living today. I fear that I will have to be hospitalized again, that I won’t be able to make sense of my life again. I must say it can be a rather crippling fear.
But it doesn’t have to be.
I have been lucky enough to have found a therapist who I have been seeing for many years. He has been my rock when times were hard, he has been able to “bring me off the ledge” when I didn’t think I could. He has guided me through years of therapy and I can see the huge progress I have made in my mental health over these years. With my hard work and his teaching and encouragement, I continue to understand more and more about who I am and accept myself rather than bash myself. I will never forget what he said about fear (probably more than times than I remember!). “Fear can paralyze you or fear can motivate you.” And yes, he is right. In the darkest days and weeks and months I could have totally given up. I was so scared of what my brain was doing to me that I could have frozen in place..until the next dark episode. But I didn’t. I was motivated to get healthier and healthier. And I have succeeded.
So for this moment, my fear remains that my mental illness will grab on and have its way with me – take me back to those years of well, darkness and confusion. I will do my best to not let that happen. Every single day I work at positive mental health. Some days are easier than others.. I know how I DON’T want to feel. I know I believe that I will acknowledge my fear and continually work at ways to accept my feelings, but still be able to make positive steps in the right direction.
In the back of my mind I know that I may have dark or rough or challenging days, or weeks or months. But I have learned so much over the years that I also know I will make it through those times – easier than in the past.